Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Chapter Three: How Long Have I Been Here?

As I was wrecking my brain in confusion, the words
from the book I had read earlier came back to me, “Love
Addiction”. This was God’s funny way of revealing to me
that I was a Love Addict. This revelation had hit me so
hard that my mouth flew open and my jaw dropped.
Immediately, I began to reminisce, and review all of my
past relationships. I thought about how I hooked up with
them and the reason we broke up. I realized that it was
the love addiction that caused me to hook up with these
men, and it was love addiction that caused me to break
up with them or caused them to run away. To every single
person reading this book you must learn this principle,
what you don’t kill in your singleness will only transfer in
marriage. Marriage is not the fire extinguisher to your
lust, marriage is not the answer to your loneliness, and
as for me and anyone else who is dealing with this disease;
marriage was not the cure to my condition which was
“love addiction.”

I wanted my husband to be what he could not and I
was trying to make him what he was not. With every
relationship I had, including my marriage, I was addicted
to the ideological fantasy of love because I had not been
taught that love is not a feeling but it is an action. I was
searching for someone to fill the empty spot of happiness
for me, when it was impossible. Happiness was something
I had yet to conquer and in the end I had to ask myself
this mystifying question: “How will I ever be happy if I
can’t ever be happy”? I would be able to easily answer
this question after I gave birth to my third baby, another
little girl.

Excerpt from Moment of Clarity

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