Moment of Clarity

Chapter Seven: Recovery One Step at a time

2010-06-15T19:20:00.000-07:00

You may think that you can manipulate people into
thinking the way you want them to but eventually they
will see the truth and will no longer trust you so when
you are trying to reach people, being real and genuine is
the only jester that will stick. This pastor began to speak
about how far God had brought his father, mother, and
him and it began to touch me and my heart to want to be
a better Christian.

He said something that really made me sit up in my
seat. He said, ‘instead of being the thermometer, why not
become the thermostat,’ meaning one of these instruments
can be changed by the temperature and one can change
to temperature. Wow! Never thought about life this way
but this was definitely something I needed to hear because
I would always say that I knew people who were just
negative all the time and I didn’t like being around them
because they were so negative but after hearing this, I
choose to be the thermostat and change the temperature
in the room because I did not like to be changed by
someone else’s negative attitude.

Excerpt from Moment of Clarity

Chapter Six: What Type of Love Addict am I?

2010-06-08T10:04:00.000-07:00

Over time I began to notice that I did not like most of
the ways of this woman. Why do I continue to do things to
try and make her so happy when most of the time I feel
worse than I did before doing anything for her? When I
needed her, often time, she was not there for me. I never
said no to her; whatever she needed or wanted from me,
no matter how inconvenient it was for me, I did and gave
it. She had no problem telling me no and that she could
not or would not do something for me, no matter how
desperate I was and how badly I said I needed it.

What is wrong with me? I began to notice that I was
more of a friend to this woman than she would ever be to
me and I didn’t like it very much when in reality, I was so
addicted to validation, until I thought that the more I did
for her, the more she will validate me. When she did not
validate me, I felt let down, disappointed, for lack of better
phrase, needy. So wait a minute, are you sure I have a
friend?

Excerpt from Moment of Clarity

Chapter Five: The Costly Price

2010-06-01T19:26:00.000-07:00

His words were so loud and angry and I had no idea
where all of this rage against me came from. As I sat
holding my newborn tightly in my arms, I began to burn
inside with anger, and cry inside because of the pain. As
I sat there I began to think about the verbal abuse that
had just been inflicted upon me. I was reminded of my
childhood where my mother, foster parents, and other
adults would inflict this same kind of pain on me. In this
present situation, I reverted back to accepting old habits.
I accepted their reprimand and remained a member. I
thought being hurt by your pastors in the flesh was a
process of purging and cleansing the soul. I was still
accepting negative pain for love, but pain is not love.

Love is defined in I Corinthians 13: 4-8 as:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does
not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not selfseeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of
wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with
the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always
hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

It was not God’s plan for me to accept negative pain for
love. That is not the attributes of God. He himself would
not personally inflict pain on you using the excuse of love.
He may allow you to go through the process of necessary
pain that will result in restoration, but not inflict pain
that would damage you. Even though their claims had no
basis and because I had not yet grasped this concept of
God, I took their advice and desired to work harder at
being a more submitted wife.

Excerpt from Moment of Clarity

Chapter Four: Recognizing the Hero Complex

2010-05-25T14:56:00.000-07:00

Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. The
longer we spent time together, the more I wanted him and
the more desperate I became. After a long await, marriage
finally sprung up in a conversation. He implied that he
wanted to get married someday, but not right now. As a
natural saleswoman I know behind every no there is a
yes. He may not have a desire to get married now but
when I am finished putting my love spell on him, like in
the song, he will definitely be putting a ring on it.

I knew I needed to be more open with this man so he
could see more of who I was as a person. I unlocked the
key to my heart, and spewed out very painful details of
my past life. As the words came out so did the emotion
and I began to cry. He then leaned over and comforted me
with a hug. The hero complex was in “full effect”. I had
now smoothly switched roles and became the victim. I did
this frequently to get my way with him. It worked like a
charm for awhile, but like everything else in my life, it
soon came to a bitter end.

excerpt from Moment of Clarity

Chapter Three: How Long Have I Been Here?

2010-05-19T14:41:00.000-07:00

As I was wrecking my brain in confusion, the words
from the book I had read earlier came back to me, “Love
Addiction”. This was God’s funny way of revealing to me
that I was a Love Addict. This revelation had hit me so
hard that my mouth flew open and my jaw dropped.
Immediately, I began to reminisce, and review all of my
past relationships. I thought about how I hooked up with
them and the reason we broke up. I realized that it was
the love addiction that caused me to hook up with these
men, and it was love addiction that caused me to break
up with them or caused them to run away. To every single
person reading this book you must learn this principle,
what you don’t kill in your singleness will only transfer in
marriage. Marriage is not the fire extinguisher to your
lust, marriage is not the answer to your loneliness, and
as for me and anyone else who is dealing with this disease;
marriage was not the cure to my condition which was
“love addiction.”

I wanted my husband to be what he could not and I
was trying to make him what he was not. With every
relationship I had, including my marriage, I was addicted
to the ideological fantasy of love because I had not been
taught that love is not a feeling but it is an action. I was
searching for someone to fill the empty spot of happiness
for me, when it was impossible. Happiness was something
I had yet to conquer and in the end I had to ask myself
this mystifying question: “How will I ever be happy if I
can’t ever be happy”? I would be able to easily answer
this question after I gave birth to my third baby, another
little girl.

Excerpt from Moment of Clarity

Chapter Two: How Did I Get Here?

2010-05-11T01:33:00.000-07:00

Every guy that lived on my block wanted to date me, or
as I suspected, just wanted to sleep with me. I was hated
by most girls because I was the essence of true beauty;
fair-skin, long hair, slender shape, great personality. When
I was in the room it didn’t matter who else was there; I
commanded their attention by my physique and persona.
With my long beautiful hair, extraverted personality, and
long slender shape that was better than any coca-cola
bottle on the market; I drove men wild.

Even though I loved the attention, I never gave in to
any of them. I liked to tease them and play the game of
catch-me-if-you-can, and I must say I played the game
very well. I thought it was hilarious how far men would go
just to get a piece of me. My objective was to get as many
men to passionately desire me, and not give in to any of
them. I got what I wanted, which was attention, and they
got nothing but weariness from chasing me. This was not
my only game I had in my little bag of tricks.

Excerpt from Moment of Clarity

Definition: Love Addict

2010-05-05T05:22:00.000-07:00

"Painful attention, which is the attention that will result
in negative consequences, was normal to me. Although I
did not like the consequence of suffering, at least the pain
was always consistent. “Pain” could always be counted
on to arrive at my door and I would more than willingly
receive it with open arms. So why would I waste my time
waiting on good things to come in my life when I was the
only one always standing myself up and leaving me out to
dry? So I dated “Pain” for years. In the beginning “Pain”
hurt me but, like most relationships, you get used to it
and become numb to its negative antics.

Like a battered woman, I was in an abusive relationship
with “Pain.” Even though I didn’t like the name calling,
the punishment, or the spankings from my mother I was
mentally bound and couldn’t leave. Like a kidnapped child
with Stockholm syndrome, I developed a bond with my
captor called “Pain”. I became its Bonnie and it was my Clyde."

excerpt from Moment of Clarity

Love Addicts welcomed!

2010-04-27T18:42:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!

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